Blown Out
So, I tried to be cool about the fact Jock blew me out to hang out with his guy friend, but it is pissing me off. I’m not cool about it. I’m immensely pissed off and I don’t feel like I can talk to him about it because there’s a chance I’m being unreasonable.
I hate the fact that I’m annoyed right now. Annoyed about a man choosing to hang out with his boy-friends over me. I’m not that girl anymore. I might’ve been that girl once upon a time, probably when I was married, but I was being cheated on a lot back then. Cheated on, beaten, and abused.
But if I’m not that girl anymore, how come this is bugging me so much?
Our last date was shit. A total washout. And he has apologised for it, repeatedly. I calmed down about that, just like everyone knew I would, but then the big blow-out happened and I just feel really deflated again. One minute he’s complaining about not seeing me enough and the next he’s actually blowing me out to go and spend time with his buddy. Which is it? Coz honestly, I don’t mind, but I do like to know where I stand.
I’m just going to talk about the friend that I got blown out for too, if you don’t mind. He’s the boyfriend of the girlfriend-boyfriend fight that Jock ignited from my last blog post, and I know I’m not meant to say this but … well, he’s fucking hot. Like, damn fine, part-Colombian hot. Just got into the whole military lifestyle, been a BFF of Jock’s for a number of years (from what I can work out), and wants a big-blow-out-style night with the lads before he has to go back and do some more military stuff. And you know what? I’m okay with that, I really am.
But I’m also not okay with that … and that’s the part that really irks me.
One of the things I love the most about Jock and I is the fact that we lead totally separate – and different – lives. He has his thing going on, and I have my thing going on. We both have the freedom to do whatever it is we want to do and after a few relationships where it felt as though I were being stifled or suffocated, that freedom is beautifully refreshing.
But at the same time … do I trust this man? Do I trust this man to go on a military-like night out with his raucous buddy/buddies? I don’t have a reason to distrust him, I know, but there’s a niggling feeling there nonetheless. I know him pretty well, but I don’t know him completely. I don’t really know if he’s the cheating or lying type. I don’t think he is that type, but I don’t know. There are lingering concerns.
If nothing else, this has made me realise just how much I care for him. I didn’t give a shit what One Ball was doing most of the time. I didn’t care if he went out drinking, and I knew he’d never cheat on me. He was DEVOTED to me. Obsessively so. Sadly, it was one-sided. There were times when I wished he was a cheater or a liar so that it would make my decision for us to separate an easier one.
I didn’t really care what The Guy I Couldn’t Get Rid Of was doing with himself, either. Not that he made his shenanigans all that private. He rubbed his extra-curricular activities in my face, like he had something to prove by fucking someone else. It made me angry because he was so disrespectful to me, but I didn’t really care that he was fucking someone else. It just further proved that my decision was the right one.
Jock brings out all sorts of jealous, insecure feelings and emotions that I’ve not felt in a little while. Not with the last few men I’ve dated, anyway. This is turning into a REAL relationship. A real, proper, on-the-way-to-something relationship … and it’s happening really fast. We’ve barely known each other for three months and I’m already sure I’ve fallen in love with him, and I’m also fairly certain that he’s fallen in love with me too. It’s just happening really fast.
But I’ve missed this. The huffing and puffing of a real relationship. The getting-jealous and missing-them moments. It’s comforting to know that I still have the ability to feel that much, or that way for someone after what I went through with Big Love. Jock and I are starting to merge together, learning the things we love and like about each other as well as the things we dislike. I kinda love it. I kinda love him.
I’m still mad at him for blowing me out for his buddy, though.
